I used to be skinny and wimpy like a donkey's tail. I used to be as weak as liberals are on national security. Then one glorious day, I slipped on this tank. Suddenly, all the squat racks emptied when I walked into the gym. No one wants to be embarrassed by my Donald Pump strength, so they just move out of the way. My life has now become like one big beauty pageant -- everywhere I go women strip down to bikinis and start talking about world peace.